Saturday, March 18, 2006

Animal Husbandry Institute in Ayer Hitam

Went on a trip with my biology teacher to the Animal Husbandry Institute in Ayer Hitam on the 15th of March 2006. Pretty interesting trip, since the main theme is 'Reproduction', simply the most favouritest topic in biology. In fact, it can be deemed as the only thing worthwhile studying biology at all for students like me.

We went over in two buses, two teachers, and two lab assistants. Approximately 75 students. Out of those, about 15 of the students are Form 5 old birds, the others are Form 3 kids. Best part was, MoFo went too, I practically forgot about that. Even better part, he invited himself to sit beside me. Lazy to shoot him, so just live and let live.

Anyway, at the animal husbandry institute ( AHI, AHI not TAHI you idiot ), it was quite huge actually. Quite a few plots of pastures for their animals to graze on. First animal we visited, milk cows.

The first thing that invited us was not a human. It was the stench of bullshit. Honestly, there were around a hundred odd milk cows, and they produce shit in a half-hourly basis. Meaning, the place is forever covered in shit. And the workers there had to spray water from a hose all the time. Pity the guys who work there. I wonder what they name these workers.. 'Shit cleaners?' 'Manure cleaners?' whatever..

And then, there were two huge containers, like... silos? And guess what it contains. A black coloured liquid, with a lot of froth and bubbles with an overpowering odour tells us it is shit, but hey, who knows? It could be urine...

So, one guy started explaining stuff to us. According to him, milk cows produce 12 litres of milk everyday, and they are milked twice a day. One cow can supply six families! And the funny part was, the cows were afraid of us, so many people looking at it being milked. Imagine yourself in a rush for toilet, and the only option is a toilet bowl in the middle of Midvalley. Everyone staring at you, it makes your excrement shy and too scared to come out. But the cows, being cows, the milk came out all the same and they went off quickly, somehow relieved that some distance can be put between them and the freaking noisy humans.

Then, another guy came over and started explaining how they fertilize the cows. When asked where the male ones are, he said they are separated at young according to gender and the male ones are put far away. Reason? 'Kuat Rogol." He said.

So, right in front of us, were three cows. Three beautiful cows. I could actually imagine a plate of steak that is staring at me, and that miserable dream is shattered when I heard pipe water running. I was like, what the? There's no pipe around! Then, I realized there are MANY pipes around me. Hundreds in fact. Heck, it's true! When cows piss, they are like the pipe you use to wash your hands. Power man..

So the guy, he said these cows 'sudah naik biang.' To put it mildly, they are ready to get pregnant. To put it crudely, they are horny.

Signs of a cow being horny? One, they let other female cows hump them. Well, hump them meaning climb behind them lar! Two, their privates swell. Three, their privates let out strange fluids. I wonder does that apply to humans..

So the guy, he wanted to make sure that the cows are really horny. He put out his equipments to let us see. A huge thermos flask, a freaking long syringe-thing, a box of disposable gloves, and freaking long straws. What are the functions?

The thermos flask contained cow semen. Frozen at a temperature of -192 degree ( How the hell do you make that symbol of degree? ) Celcius, they looked like ice cream. And no, I don't own a camera. And I just ate ice cream before I made this post. Vanilla flavoured.

The syringe is filled with a couple of ml of sperm, and the long straws are sheaths so that the syringe don't poke and bleed the cow's vagina.

So, the guy pulled out a glove, and fit it to his hand. It reached his arm pits, freaking long gloves. Then, you know what he did? Climbed into the pen, lifted the cow's tail, and pushed his entire gloved hand into the cow's anus. WHAT THE???

Then he pulled it out, and the cow's private shoot out some strange liquid. Felt good eh? And his glove was covered with shit, and his hand held a fistful of shit as well. Then he announced "Sudah sedia." Damn their sense of humour.

So he filled the syringe, sheathed with the straw, and put on another glove. Then, he lifted the tail again, and pushed his entire hand inside again. The cow shook and trembled, with joy or fear I don't know. Imagine someone pushing their hand into your asshole when you are feeling horny, I don't like it :P

Then, he inserted the syringe at 30 degrees, and when it is steady, injected the sperms inside. Everything came out shitty. Literally. So, he withdrew his hand and announced again 'Dah siap'. The cow is pregnant! Hooray!

Then, I was blocked by many overenthusiastic form threes. When I managed to peek, I saw the entire organ on the table. WTF? He freaking had a frozen cow's vagina in a plastic bag, complete with the asshole. He explained, a cow has two vaginals. And before they are fertilized they are injected with hormones to double the ovums so that they can have twins or triplets or quadruplets. Reason for him to push his hand into the anus is to find the cerviks, where he will squeeze it and feel the syringe reaching there. That way, the syringe won't bleed the private part.

Then, we visited the rabbits. Wabbits!? No wabbits! Rabbits! And they were freaking cute! The first guy who welcomed us then briefed us again. Brief as in explained, not your underwear! Rabbits there are bred for two purposes. One, for domestic commercial purpose ( or whatever you call it, in short, pets ) and two, wabbit mit. Rabbit meat! A pet rabbit costs approximately RM300 there, and the meat is like freaking RM100 per kilogramme. Or something like that, as he hinted.

So, we went over to the large penhouse, manned by a chinese dude. Not allowed entrance, but that did not really keep us from peeking at the rabbits. They were freaking cute! Cute, but impractical. Useless they are. Just for fun. Of course, they instill the impulse to purchase them, but again, of course, the prices are not cute at all.

Some of the rabbits looked like.. well, rabbits. Some looked like Chinese Panda bears, with two black eyes when the entire body is white. Some looked like a Polar bear, whole thing white. Some looked like CATS. Freaking huge and fat they were! Looked like cats!

Well, I had the chance to follow my godbro, Jordan in. He couldn't resist it and wanted to buy one. After talking to the Chinese guy, we went in. He began introducing. I noticed the rabbits eyes were black, like a human eye. Eh? I thought all rabbits had red eyes? Apparently, these were hybrids. Cross breed here and there, and you get the freak. ( Which reminds me of Russell Peters. What do you get when you cross a Iceland man and a Cuban woman? Little ice cubes. And what do you get when you cross a French man and a Greek woman? Freak. )

You know what the Chinese guy freaking told us? "I can sell you one for RM20" OI!??? TWENTY BUCKS? Then, he showed us the RM20 stuff. Newborn beautiful baby rabbits, about one month old. That's about the age they are suitable to be sold. Too young they might die, too old they might die too fast. So get them while they are young and at the right age! RM20. LoL, almost took out my wallet myself.

But wait, where is everybody? THEY FREAKING BOARDED THE BUS ALREADY! We ran back as fast as we could, and found the bus waiting for us. LoL!

Next stop, cow again. This time, its calves. We visited the calf pens. Six months here, twelve months there, eighteen months there, after that its out in the field. I have had enough of cows to last me for a year, particularly the smell. Smells good actually, if you like shit.

So we wandered off again, me and my godbro. And we found the guy who stuck his hand into the anus of a cow in an office. He invited us in. There were three freaking huge containers, ten times the size of the thermos he brought ( which happens to be double the size of a normal thermos ), and another two at another corner. The three containers contained liquid nitrogen he said. -192 degree Celcius. That is what they use to achieve that temperature. And the other two? Cow semen. TWO HUGE CONTAINERS OF COW SEMEN! OH MY GOD!

One stupid Form Three boy followed us in. When the man said 'Ini untuk simpan lama-lama, yang kecik itu untuk apabila kita turn ke kandang.' That stupid boy asked 'Wah! Macam ini boleh simpan beribu-ribu tahun kah?' The man answered 'Ini sudah beribu tahun.' AND HE BELIEVED! He was so freaking impressed that he began spreading 'Eh, a thousand year old sperm, how cool is that?' Now you know why I call him 'a stupid form 3'.

I noticed a cat lying on the floor. The man's personal pet I suppose. At that time, I had a pretty naughty thought. I told my godbro.

"Kor, I grab the cat, you inject the cow sperm into it." Heh, Wonder what would I get. Kucing Bertanduk?

Then, the next stop is the museum. Displays were the works of taxidermists. Life sized animals there, only the skin is genuine stuff. And there was a fish there, Arapama. Want to know its size? Spread out your hands. Satu depa, we call it.

And there were many speciments of cow foetus, embryos and stuff. And guess what I saw? A bull's penis. And you want to know the length? Take the length of between your elbow and your middle finger's tip. THAT IS THE FREAKING LENGHT! What if it stims? Penetration would be freaking painful! Oh wait, it's the entire organ, including the testicles and all the connections like 'Vesikel semen'.. and all that kind of stuff lar. Not sure how to spell that, so the Malay version instead.

I found out how they 'Mengembiri' the animal stocks. Mengembiri meaning to 'Castrate', cut off the balls. Right, here's how they do it. Feel the balls, and pull it slightly. Use a knife to cut off the scrotum. Scrotum is the skin-like thing covering the balls. Then, grab it, turn it over and over, say, 1800 degrees clockwise, then pull it out. OUCH! Or else, an alternative method? Cut off the scrotum, pull the balls, get a scissors and "kggggkt". I wonder how the ancient Chinese castrate the eunuchs. Bloody!?

Visited the milk factory, bought milk ( I would have drank a lot if I weren't diagnosed with lactose intolerance somewhere two three years ago. Bloody! Fresh milk! ) stopped at a local Malay hawker centre for lunch and back.

I guess that's it. Learned pretty much during the trip, though a bit disappointed that we didn't get to see the horses there. I love horses and ponies ( PONIES! NOT PENIS! ), I think they are just so cool-er! Regardless of the smell. I just love them!

Right, before I end, here's some vocab for you guys and gals out there.

Bovine - Ox, or Cows
Canine - Dogs
Feline - Cats
Equine - Horses

What about humans?



Zhi Wei said...

the truth is, i didn't read the entire post except for the first paragraph and the last few lines. andthe last few lines kick ass. haahhahaa.

aisyah said...

haha.. for Leslie , even an innocent trip to the animal husbandry institute can sound obscene .

btw, the word is miang , not biang :P

Leslie said...

I know its miang not biang!

But that guy keeps saying biang!

So I put biang!

Don't it sound like a gunshot or something :D

aisyah said...

hahaha ..maybe miang is for humanoids and biang for cows :P lol