Wohoo

Many things to blog about.

I just watched Harry Potter with Zhi Wei ( sounds gay but we're not, half the conversation we had for the past couple of days were of hot chicks, hot legs and fat people that goes boinkboinkboink as well as kicking young people like football ).

Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix - DA MOVIE! Sounds much more impressive when said that way, but it isn't.

10 nonsensical things on why you should not watch Harry Potter.

1.First of all, Dementors weren't scary. Rowling could write better than they can film.
2.Daniel Radcliffe is beginning to show his muscles. Damnit, Harry Potter is a snivelling 90 pound weakling, not one who looks like he can trash Dudley the pig anyday!!!!!!!!
3.I still don't think Katie Leung is hot. Emma Watson looks better. But that Luna Lovegood looks quite cute, she has a sweet voice ( and sweet hair zhi wei says )
4. At least Rupert Grint still looks like the loser Ronald Weasley is.
5. Sirius Hitam's death wasn't dramatic enough.
6. First half was really boring, second half wasn't made exciting enough.
7. Ginny seriously has no script. I keep forgetting who she is, but she's there.
8. Style has changed. Dementors are naked, and the fire communication thingy? Sirius lost his head.
9. At least Helena Bornham Carter is the right person. I liked her. She's really good at acting all crazy. ( Fight Club )
10. Order of Phoenix wasn't given much focus. Zhi Wei says the film doesn't really focus on any character, I say the film itself doesn't focus on anything. Its like they just want to get things done, like 'Alright the introduction is over lets get to the good part. Harry now go fucking kiss Cho'.. ok maybe not. The kissing scene was horrible. Shows that he can't kiss :P

Overall score : 5.5/10

Why quite low? Because the one thing they did is assume everyone already knows everything when they are watching, therefore not much explanation can be seen.

For instance, WHO THE FUCK ARE THE AURORS? Dumby just suddenly mentioned them when he confronted Tom the Marvo the Lo Riddle a.k.a. Vol the Mort a.k.a He-who-must-not-be-the-named. Out of the blues.

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I am officially an uncle! My bro has just got his new firstborn baby daughter! Her name is Jezelle. Don't ask me the pronunciation.

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I shalt not blog of INTEC. Because when I start, I am only going to put myself at risk that some students might come across what i write. Dangerous stuff you know. Like how we have potential V.Tech-shooter student-wannabes there.

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Did I blog about Transformies and Die Hard 4.0?

A brief review about them then.

Transformies - Action packed, brutal, mechanical, hot slender woman, beautiful cars, WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO ATTRACT ANY NORMAL GUY????????????????

Score : 8.5

Die Hard - As the name suggest, Bruce Willis certainly goes beyond dying hard. He is practically invulnerable. All that physical abuse inflicted on his, then the verbal abuse, then all that action and bla, he still survives. And that terrorist fellow got killed when a bullet shot through Brucey? That fellow would probably star in a film called 'Die Easy'. Brucey could take that shot, but he could not take a shielded shot. HAHAHAH! What I am trying to say is, its slightly exaggerated. But hey, its worth watching.

Score : 7

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Again, I shall flame local films without having watched them. ( What else, titles lar!! )

'Love is Cinta'. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF TITLE IS THAT!???????????????????????

How about..
"Shit is Tahi", followed by a sequel "Excrete is also Tahi", then a trilogy ending 'Feces and others ALSO TAHI!!'

I don't know about the story, can't flame it. But I sure can flame the lack of creativity in the titles. 'ZOMBI KAMPUNG PISANG!!!' woo scary. The name automatically turns it into a comedy.

Trailers for Rush Hour 3 looks promising. I definitely want to watch that.

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Seriously, all these Idol shit is getting out of hand. First came the American Idols. It was well received.

And we here in Bolehland, being the suckers we are, begin to implement that in EVERYTHING! High School Idol, Malaysia Idol, Fucking Idol this, fucking Idol that, fuck everything idol!

In Summit Batu Pahat today there was a 'SUMMIT IDOL' wah damn impressed. Which explains all the lala girls and lala guys coming out in full force, while me and zhi wei going round and round muttering 'fashion disaster, fashion disaster *sighs*'

Why must everyone stick to this Idol idea? I mean fuck it, be original! You tell us not to support piracy, but copying is not exactly sticking to originals is it?

Quote Professor Leslie, in the cinemas, as they were advertising Malaysia's 50th year of independence before the movie starts.

"I am feeling damn patriotic now, I am watching a movie from the West."
Zhi Wei : "hah wtf!"

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I guess that's it. The next time I might actually update is around the 10th August, that's when my next trip back to BP will be. Or I might update if i can find internet the access in Shah Alam ( seriously, the college blocks everything and monitor you closely, the nearby cyber cafe is Muslim run, and they paste all over the premise that you are being monitored when you surf the net. Talk about invasion of privacy. And there are no Starbucks nearby. )

Sayonara.

Updated

Seriously, I am going nuts. My mum changed hairstyle, and I could not recognize her. Today, after going home from Summit, ( my sister came back ), here's what I did.

Me : *turn to dad* Hi Dad, *turn to sis* Hi sis, *turn to mum*.. Uh.. Aunty!

Sis : BWAHAHHAAHHAHAHAhAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mum : -___-"

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Well, I survived that. So I shall briefly mention about the first week in INTEC.

The hostels provided are good actually. Its very spacious and in considerably good shape.

First week was orientation week, so naturally I always felt it was slightly boring.

For anyone wanting to find me, my place is in Cendana College, Shah Alam Section 6.

So far, I have no complaints about the college itself, nor the hostel. I am happy :)

But alas, Shah Alam weather proved to be crazy. I did not sleep at all the first night there. I bathed cold water, and two steps out of the bathroom and I was already sweating.

After some seriously uneasy sleep that could not be called sleep for only one hour to two hours, I woke up as sticky as super glue because of the excess sweat, and I was seriously dehydrated and my lips were cracking. I even slept on the floor because the fan did not reach my bed, which left some sweat marks on the floor, which would resemble a police murder scene if it was blood instead of sweat. That's how bad it was.

I PRACTICALLY MELTED THERE YOU KNOW???

Been sleeping on the floor for the entire week, and probably would for the entire year there. Oh well, never been particular about the height from the floor, as long as I have something decent under my back while I sleep, and cool enough. Fuck the weather, I say.

And another thing I noticed in INTEC, everyone's a scholar. Haha, if you think schooldays are stressful, wait till you get to INTEC. Everyone's a top student there. Its nuts I tell you.

Come to think of it, a couple of homies and myself from Batu Pahat are among the naughtiest one there. Imagine that.

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Clearing up some issues about the soundtracks from Elfen Lied which I mentioned in previous posts.

I thought the saint version of Lilium is an extended version, but its not. Opening version of Lilium and Lilium extended version is sang by the lady ( Kumiko Noma) in a soprano style. Saint version is sang by guys in a Gregorian chant style.

They all rock anyway.

Lilium opening version - 1 minutes 30 seconds
Lilium extended version - 3 minutes
Lilium saint version - 3 minutes
Lilium final extended edition ( only in original soundtrack I think ) - 5 minutes and half ( 13MB!! )
Lilium musical box edition - 2 minutes

Now trying to get my hands on another anime. Its called 'Strawberry Panic', from what I found out from the net, its seems to be quite good and hugely popular.

Funny thing is, it seems to be about lesbian love romance stuff. -__-"

Seems interesting enough, might watch it for the heck of it, since I keep getting told that Year 11 for AUSMAT is simple enough that I can relax this half year. Well, I don't intend to fail and relax THAT much, haha don't worry about me. I will get my homework done before I do all these funny stuff alright?

There's this song from Strawberry Panic Original Soundtrack, 'Hitori Setsunaku'. Its in piano, no singing, only 1 minute long, but its soft and relaxing. Quite enjoyable.

Emi Greneby's a great source for good animes. Just wait till she uploads her movie for 'Lilium' in Newgrounds.

I found out Elfen Lied from Emi's Lilium, and subsequently of Strawberry Panic from her flash movie 'Lilium - teaser'. Damnit, she can really draw. Her drawings really makes you feel like wishing that you can draw half as good as her!!

If you want to watch her flash movies, go to Newgrounds and search under 'Lilium'. You'll get it, the first version is sort of a slideshow thingy, and the teaser is a good flash movie.

But still, the best flash artist out there ( Newgrounds, its probably the largest flash based site anyway ) is the chluaid, or Adam Philips. His drawings are really good, and his movies are all in the top 50 of all times. Go check out his work if you want, they are 'The Yuyu', "Bitey of Brackenwood", "Prowlies at the River"and "Littlefoot' for the Brackenwood series.

Enough advertising for Newgrounds, I should get paid for this. Heh..

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Got a shock when I came back from Shah Alam. There's no bus ticket back to Kuala Lumpur on Sunday! KKKL, Transnasional, Cepat Express, Orchid express, and all the others are all sold out, and they run many buses to KL in a single day.

But guess what? Hasry express seems to have many spaces in the morning.

Here's what happened in the conversation.

Me : Bas ke KL hari Ahad ada?
H.C.G ( Hasry Counter Girl ) : Ada 8.00am dan 9.30am sahaja
Me : *Oh shit, lucky* Pukul 9.30 ada berapa tempat? ( There's 6 of us btw )
H.C.G : *checks file* Eh banyak lar..
Me : Ok saya nak 6 ticket.
H.C.G : *checks file* Eh sorry tak cukup, hanya ada 5.

FUCK! BANYAK IS 5?????????? HOW THE FUCK IS 5 CONSIDERED BANYAK?????

No choice, bought the 8am bus. -_____-"

And if you think about it, why is everyone else all sold out except for Hasry? Explains something about the quality of the ride already eh :P

Of CGIs and Animes

Alright, this is a review post.

First up is Transformers!

The movie was awesome, with excellent stunts and special effects. I'll cut things short, definitely a must watch. Especially loved the part where they tried to humour the audience with giant robots trying to look small. Heh..

Just a small question for you to ponder on :

When the Allspark sends radiation to any mechanical object, it becomes a transformer. That's what is told in the story. So people, beware of your Nokia phones. They have a gun inside.

And oh yeah, beware of vending machines. They might suddenly transform into a Transformer that shoots coke cans as projectiles from their cannon.

( Ever wondered where the weapons from these Earth-made transformers came from? )

Score : 4.3

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Animayshiun! Animayshiun!!!!!!

Been watching two animes lately, namely 'Love Hina' and 'Elfen Lied'.

Love Hina

Love Hina is a kind of romance story with loads of slapstick humour. It is also a rather weird and totally random anime where everything unimaginable becomes imaginable. Such as.. flying turtles that go 'meow'.

Overall, its also a 'should watch' as its really an eye candy to the audience. But beware though, thought the actual anime does offer some mild soft hentai ( anime pornography ), its not exactly really explicit and meant more towards humour ( such as the guy often accidentally stumbles into the girls bathroom without realizing it, and get the crap beaten out of him. ) Not for extra conservative people ;)

From what I know, the manga is extremely explicit. So I would avoid it. And it costs RM32 per book for English edition. Even the price is explicit. -_-

Genre : Harem comedy ( one guy, lots of girls, one house, lots of romance. You get it )

Total Episodes : 24 + 1 episodes, 1 Christmas special, 1 Spring special and 3 Love Hina Again! episodes.

Score : 4.1
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Elfen Lied

In German it literally translates into 'Elf Song', this is a really really MUST MUST WATCH!!

Wait wait...

Haha, this is a dark themed anime. There's extremely lots of blood and gore, and nudity that is not explicit. More towards like.. a scientific experiment with human, and they're usually girls. So you understand um.. the speciment is tied up naked and sort of stuff like that. Not explicit to me anyway, but if you really get turned on by those, you should see a psychiatrist for extreme obscene sexual thoughts.

Warning again : Lots of blood and gore.

The opening theme is very nice. Based on German Church and sort of prayer like, the singer sounds almost ethereal and, well, I like the music box of 'Lilium' very very much. If you want to listen to it, check up on Youtube, type it under 'Lilium' and listen to the 'Saint version'. The 'Saint Version' is the full version of about 3 minutes long, and the normal 'Lilium' is only 1 and a half minutes.

The music box version of 'Lilium' is nice though! Its so... calming and beautiful.

I would say this is a thought provoking anime, one that really makes you wonder about cruelty in conducting experiments on lifeforms. Watch it if you want, but you have been warned. I couldn't get enough of it, kind of short at 13+1 episodes for an anime.

Too bad they are not published in English manga. I would buy if even if its RM32 -_-"

Though I did hear the manga was seriously lacking compared to the anime.

Genre : Dark, psychological, blood and gore, with a tinge of romance. Overall, I would say a BEAUTIFUL story!

Total episodes : 13+1

Score : 4.7

For both animes, the stories in the manga and the anime actually differed slightly. The plot's been changed, but the animes are good. As for mangas, I have checked around the net, everyone says that for Love Hina the climax is much more satisfactory, but for Elfen Lied it does offer much explanation though is slightly anticlimatic.

I am avoiding the Love Hina manga lest I get mistaken for a sex maniac :P ( its THAT explicit )

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On another note, I will be going to KL later this morning. Registration for INTEC is going to be on Sunday. Then I will start my AUSMAT course.

*SIGH* Well, hope I do well to get into New Zealand!

Interesting

This post featured shall be an interesting post on interesting quotations for interesting people by interesting Professor Leslie and other interesting personalities!

I shall start off a few quotes that you can quote from me, and then I shall make up many many more quotes!

Remember, hazardous to your mental health, but otherwise makes you a happier person.

Here goes!

1)"And so the short and fat thumb looks at the tall, slim and slender middle finger and says,"
'At least when I am pointed up, the hand sign means Good! And when you're pointed up, it means 'DICK!'" - Professor Leslie, addressing the issue of inequalities in the world to Aimee. Similiarly it can be used to comfort (wo)men who are depressed about their weight and are jealous of those tall, slim and slender models.

2)"Damn it!" - An ant on Professor Leslie's table, after it was squashed mercilessly with a rampaging eraser.

3)"There's something wrong with all the peanut butter in the world, I bet its witches work!" - Anthony Mosse

4)"Takes one day to change a person, and one millenia to make him/her realize he/she has changed. And when you actually convinced him/her that he/she has changed, he/she changes again." - Professor Leslie, blabbering mindlessly

5)"All it takes is one prod for your entire grand project to collapse.." - Professor Leslie acting sadistic against himself when he was building a tall tower made out of Lego.

6)"Confucius is confused!" - Anthony Mosse

7)Isaac Newton did not say 'Gravity!' when the apple hit his head. More likely 'Ouch!'

8)"Money can't buy anything, but without money you can't buy a thing!" - Chinese saying

9)"No sex?" - Professor Leslie, in any nonchalant question that has nothing to do with nothing

10)To people who said that pornography is a form of art, why don't you paint pandas having intercourse? - In relation to the not-so-recent panda-porn method to get the Chinese pandas to do captive breeding

11)"Up until now, I always thought God Almighty was without any failures. Until I saw him/her.." - Professor Leslie, commenting on people who like to act like fuckers.

12)"Kut-ca-let, Kut-ca-let, BRITNEY SPEARS!!" - Span Miux Seluar Segi Empat

13)"They all fucker de!" - Christopher Kek

14)"EXPLODE!" - Lee Zhi Wei, practically everytime he is asked a question

15)"Eeeeee so damn cute/nice/whateveradjective" - Sim Bee Bee. Special emphasis on the word 'Damn'

15 interesting quotes. Feel free to quote those by Professor Leslie or Anthony Mosse, others please seek permission first from relevant parties ok? And do put a credit to whomever you are quoting. Don't make it into your own quote!!

Disclaimer : Any truth or coincidental saying is merely coincidental and accidental and unintentional.

New Update

I just don't have any nice and fancy topics ok?

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Professor Leslie shall discuss about overall happiness and health today.

Professor Leslie has read in Reader's Digest, January 2007 edition that eccentrics are generally happier people!

According to Dictionary.com ( my browser's cranking up on me like it has ED. I am using Internet Explorer to update. Sabrina helped me find the actual description for the word )

Eccentric means
6. a person who has an unusual, peculiar, or odd personality, set of beliefs, or behavior pattern.

In Professor Leslie's words, someone who doesn't make sense.

Wow, its been proven that NOT making sense actually helps make you happier! NOT making sense has the same effects as chocolates! Which makes sense because eating chocolates are NOT making any sense!!

Alright, so this is a community message by Professor Leslie.

It is easy to make sense. But you find it difficult to NOT make sense. And do you know that a lot of jokes that are damn funny don't make sense?

Of course, you might feel self conscious to make sense all the time. But let me tell you this, making sense does not make sense. Our earliest ancestors bonk each other on the head with a hard and heavy item as greeting. You think they are uncivilized? They think you full of shit.

Therefore making sense is extremely subjective. When everyone in the world starts to NOT make sense, the world will be a happier place!

So, start a simple goal to NOT make sense at least once everyday! It lowers your blood pressure, promotes health and overcomes Erectile Dysfunction!

Here are a few suggestion of how to NOT make sense and have people scrambling to take your temperature!

1 ) Start your day feeling senseless! Get down the stairs and see your mother preparing breakfast, rush towards her and give her a hug, then turn back and say "MUM YOU SCARE THE BEJABBERAHSKDsalSAE OUT OF ME!! I LOVE YOU MUM!"

2 ) Go out in the streets, grab a hose and spray the person in front of you. Then smile and say 'Happy new day!'

3 ) Buy a ktm ticket and throw it in the tracks then get arrested and laugh it off

4 ) Cry because there's a plate of roasted chicken on your dinner table. Lament and overdramatize on how the chicken could have led a happier life filled with hens and lots of sex.

5 ) Say hi and hug your tree everyday ( hey this actually is true you know )

6 ) Get downstairs, see you father who is reading the newspaper, snatch the newspaper from him and give him a kiss on his cheek then slam the newspaper back in his face.

7 ) And of course, run around naked in your own room. Take a video and send it to me. I mentioned this in my previous post.

These are but 7 simple ways to NOT make sense. An unwritten, but now written way is to type a blog post such as this that does NOT make any sense at all.

Damnit, I feel happier already

Movie reviews

Considering the fact that I have been watching wayy lots of movies recently, I shall name a few and write about why you should not watch it.

First up! ( Note, no pictures. Lazy find )

The Pianist - Heard of it, sounded interesting, downloaded it, watched it.

Verdict : Very good. They made a good portray of the suffering during the Holocaust. But damn the torrent version, it came without subtitles. Screw! How the heck am I supposed to understand what the Germans were blabbering when I don't know any German vocab beyond 'Oui oui!'? It was a good movie that makes you rethink about why discriminations happen. Throughout the entire movie, you can see the Jews swearing and hoping that the German's ass would be kicked by the UN in WW2, but in fact the Jews were getting their ass kicked. However, despite the hate and shit, there are still kind souls among the Germans. I shalt not elaborate for fear of spoilers, watch it then you know. But get one with subtitles -_-

Score : 4.5

Dragonheart

Verdict : Good. I always fancied dragons, and my Chinese zodiac is of the dragon. In this movie, you come to realize that even great ones make mistakes. And how a single catastrophic mistake can change a man to be the exact opposite of what he was. It also tells of the bloodlust of men granted power, and how sacrifices are to be made at times to overcome a problem. Touching, this movie makes you look at the skies for stars at times.

Score : 4.2

Reign of Fire

Verdict : So-so.. This movie tells about how excavations in the centre of London awoke dragons sleeping underneath, and then proceeded to terrorize and scorch the Earth for the next 20 years, eating humans and burning everything in their paths. That was what was meant as the reign of fire, since the dragons have two glands that secrete chemicals to produce nitro-napalm, in general terms breathing fire.

Score : 2.9

Pirates of The Carribean 3 : At World's End

Verdict : Ok. I always enjoyed the PoTC movies, of course one of the reasons being Keira Knightley ( damn she looks skinny ). Alright, on to the review. I always thought the first one was the best, since the 2nd one was mostly about a Kraken monster eating everyone up. I always wondered why the cruel Lord Beckett never met that beast in the open sea, but well, question not the movie producers. Anyway, the 3rd one continues from the 2nd movie ( Dead man's chest ). A few twists here and there.. hmm hmm.. Chow Yunn Fatt's acting wasn't impressive. Somewhat disappointed. Calypso was a piece of shit. Davy Jones was cool. Jack Sparrow as usual was funny and somewhat immortal. Undead Monkeys in cannons was a good idea, figurines in cannons sound stupid. And there doesn't seem to be much sequence from the 1st movie to the 2nd, but there is an obvious sequence from the 2nd to the 3rd.

Score : 3.8

Shrek 3

Verdict : Ok. I don't know why is everyone so crazy about this. King Arthur, Sir Lancelot the Asshole, Merlin the stupid wizard, and the usual characters. Wasn't exactly impressive, what with the overused jokes. I liked the Puss in Boots though. And the idea of soul-switching is soooo original. Whats it with movie producers and soul switching? The general idea is that when two totally opposite people switch souls and characters they can produce hilarious results. Yes, that worked the first 2 times. After that, its all very predictable. But well, this movie made me laugh. I give it at least that.

Score : 2.5

Spiderman 3

Verdict : Can't say much since I haven't watched the 2nd one and rather vague memory of the first one. But all in all, Venom's cool. Sandman seemed indestructible, and his daughter's plight was not resolved. Some predictable and corny plot. Best friends turn foe, try to kill each other, then realize mistake, helps friend and dies in the process. Other than that the only other annoying thing was the repeated scenes of 'helpless maidens' hanging from a great height and a lot of screaming. Rather good actions, and basically tells you what not to do with a troubled girlfriend.

Score : 4.3

Currently waiting for : Rush Hour 3, Transformers, and Fantastic Four ( I haven't watched the first.. >.< )

Health

Today Professor Leslie shall discuss about health.

As we all know, health plays a vital role in a penguin's life. And well, maybe a human's too. But which human cares anyway, as long as his/her sex health is healthy enough, everything else can go to hell.

Alright, back to an interesting topic. Professor Leslie shall elaborate on mental health. To be more specific, its not health related actually, but an interesting behaviour that will lead to a health problem.


Observe ( yes more penguins ). I call it the Football syndrome.

After much observation, namely two subjects I made observations on ( no not lab mice, nor penguins, they are Christopher and Zhi Wei , I conclude that fans of football all suffer from this syndrome.

You see, when they are playing the football game 'FIFA whateveryear', they get some kind of hormonal arousal that makes them high. And when they score against an opposing team, that's their hand signal. Both hands up. With a cheeky face that you want to slap the bloody shit out of him.

Of course, in what way is this related to health? Honestly I am not sure either. My hypothesis is that, when they do this hand signal, they get a sudden surge of blood to the brain. The hormones produced ( I said before, they get hormone arousal when they play FIFA ) make the blood hormone rich, and this in turn makes them high.

The good thing about this is that, it releases stress and probably make them a healthier individual as they are generally happier. That's good.

The bad side is that, the extra surge of blood to the brain might make them smarter. That's one. The other downside is that they might suffer blood deprivation to the lower parts of the body, particularly the symmetrical line waist down. This could cause the dreaded 'flacid tentacle' that men fear most, especially old lecherous men.

And the conclusion? Congratulations you just spent 12398112642 seconds of your life reading something totally unfounded and stupid. I bet that makes you healthier!

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On to another observation about health of mine. This is not exactly unfounded. But it is unproven... so far.

I have decided that people who think too much tend to have white hair or are balding.

For an interesting example, I have chosen Albert Einstein and Sir Isaac Newton. Of course, your physics teacher probably applies under this law too. Unless he's a fresh graduate. Visit him in 10 years time.

The picture you see is the world famous scientist Albert Einstein. He was the one who is credited the creation of the nuclear bomb. Now, we all know that nuclear scientists really think a lot. That is a pure assumption.

Sir Isaac Newton and his lustrous locks of WHITE hair. If you try to tell me that Sir Isaac Newton actually has blonde or whatever colour, I will act like an asshole and tell you that he was wearing a wig because you would be proving that I am wrong. Professor Leslie never wrong, therefore I am always right. In that way you are wrong when you prove that I am wrong.

Enough babbling. Sir Isaac Newton realized the existence of gravity when an apple hit his head. I can conclude from here that he thinks too much, therefore leading to the discovery of the gravity factor in Force.

Normally, any normal individual struck by an apple on the head would probably go
"Knn CCB! Blardy farking tree want play is it? *kicks tree* Lim Peh eat all your fruit and shave you bald then you know!!! Niahma eh.."

But Sir Isaac Newton went 'Hey, why didn't the apply drop upwards?'. Hence, his white hair.

Of course, if you try and tell me balding old men don't think too much, you are wrong.

Balding old men do think too much. ( Exclude scientists and professionals in this category, they have too much to think about already ). Balding old men you normally come across in the coffeeshop thinks too much about sex. Yes you heard me. Thinking too much about sex can cause you to be bald/have white hair.

See see? I am right eh, you just realized.

So for your hair health, don't think at all! I promise you Rapunzel will be jealous of your hair.

Note : The above post is meant for entertainment as usual. Huge fans of any of the characters mentioned above, please do take it as a joke ;)

I do appreciate their contribution. Now lets go shoot someone and blow everything up. Thanks Albert! ( Ok that was a very sick and bad joke -__-" )

Weirdoes

Professor Leslie shall discuss about an interesting topic here, which might most probably apply to many of you out there, or will apply to in the near future.

Housemates.

After living a month here in Subang, I find I have very very weird housemates.

How so? I shall summarize it in a few words then explain with many many words ( ok that was rather redundant )

First thing. Sun up, all gone, sun down, all out.
Second thing. They can't tell the difference between a kitchen sink and a dustbin
Third thing. They use the toilet in a very disturbing way.
And other miscellaneous weird stuff.

Sun up, all gone, sun down all out. What the hell did I mean? You see, broad daylight time, they are all mysteriously gone. I mean, gone. Their room doors are locked. Lights are off. Windows shut. Either they went out, or they seriously are sleeping the day away. Its 3pm now. And its like I just described.

And at night? All doors are open. All lights are on. And the guys are laughing like horny ah bengs and swearing and chattering in Cantonese, but they sound like monkeys and not the rather funny dialect. I was up reading until 3am last night. And they sounded like its 3pm for them. Now its actually 3pm, it sounds like 3am here.

And you know what? The guys here don't look like they are studying. Whenever you see them, they are watching some 1000 year old chinese drama on their laptops. The girls are constantly studying. Don't tell me they went for college in the morning. I did not see a single one of them go out. Unless they went out at 4am -_-

2nd thing. They use the sink as a trash bin. Attract all the ants around. Ma fuckers. Don't even have the sense to pool money and buy a proper trash bin.

3rd thing. There's this guy who wakes up at 7am everyday without fail. He will then proceed to the toilet. 7am you know. And he stays in there. and stays in there. Until 7.45am. Not a single sound. If he's constipated everyday, or god forbid he masturbates everyday, its not the proper time man -_- I had to forego my morning baths ( though usually is because its too cold for me xD Suddenly I find I fear cold after coming back from NS. Give me back my layer of fat man. Ah never mind then ). Anyway, after he comes out from the toilet, he goes into the room, slams it and that's the end of it. You don't see him coming out after that.

Funny people do funny things. Weird people do weird things. Stupid people say stupid things ( because they are too stupid to do stupid things ).

After due consideration, Professor Leslie has decided and concluded by his own opinion that these people are weirdoes suffering from inferiority complex.

They want to go out and live alone, away from their parents or be called 'Mama's boy that hides behind mama's skirts'. They want to be called 'Girl's boy that hides under the girls' skirts'. Go find out yourself what i meant :p

Anyway, they want to have a life of their own. But sadly they no skill to keep their time occupied. So they turn nocturnal, masturbates every morning and mistakes the sink as the trash bin ( probably the trash bin they are used to seeing is the same colour as the sink ). They can't cook, the smell testifies that. BURNT smell.

And Professor Leslie has thought of a solution to cure their syndromes. They should start eating potatoes, and bamboos with peanut butter and worship the Great Guin and the Polarized Panda while begging for forgiveness. Then they should just whack themselves in the head and jump off from the roof while yelling 'AKREEEGAAAAAAAYEEEGAAAAAAA!'

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Feeling stressed? Professor Leslie has a sure way of curing your pent up emotions and vent your frustrations and release your stress.

How? Alright let Professor Leslie explain step by step.

Things you need first :
1 ) Your own room. Make sure there is nobody else in the room when you do this.
2 ) Maybe a big stuffed toy ( no penguins or pandas allowed )
3 ) Better yet, make sure there's nobody in your own house nor in your neighbouor's house first.

No I am not asking you to sexually abuse the stuffed toy you sick pervert you.

First take off your clothes, maybe leave your undergarments on if you like. Remember you are alone.

Run around yelling like a mad freak in your room, and take the big stuffed toy, imagine it to be someone or something you hate. Its your football now.

Scream 'AYEEEGAAAKREEGAAAYEEGAAAAA!!!' at the top of your lungs.

Do this for about 15-30 minutes.

Guarantee you feel much better. :)

And no, I don't do that.

For an added bonus, make a video of yourself doing that. Watch it after the said duration. Then swear 'OMG WTF BBQ I DID THAT?' and then eat peanut butter. Remember to put on your clothes first.

For an even greater added bonus, send that video to me. Then I will go 'OMG WTF BBQ THAT IS 'whoeveryouare'?' Then I will make an interesting conclusion like 'Hmm, he/she needs help. I shall post it in my blog.'

Of course, the added bonuses are optional.

This is another community message from Professor Leslie to help overcome stress syndrome sucks ( SSS ).

Remember, Professor Leslie never wrong. I am always right.

Wah I want to swear

I am being Cantonese-ed. I mean seriously, my cantonese still suck like fuck, but I am beginning to get used to the language.

Today in BP, I was at a coffee shop, when an old lady came and take our orders.

"Ai Lim simik?" ---> ( Hokkien for 'Want drink what?' )
"Yao meh sui?" ---> ( I asked. Cantonese for 'Got what drinks?' )

Old lady : '_'
Old lady : -_-
Old lady : '_'????????????????????

Damn it.

_____________________________________________________________

My computer is seriously going. It is crashing every 1-40 minutes.

And I just bought a new wireless optical mouse for my laptop. Funny thing is, it costs RM50. Ok that's not funny. Funnier thing is, it runs on AA batteries. WTF.

_____________________________________________________________

I am extremely fucked. Apparently I just realized one thing. With friendster merging stupid comments and stupid testimonials as one feature.. I am getting 'cut-copy-paste-' testimonials/comments.

Argh, the agony of watching camwhorers posting me testimonials that read 'With this testimonial, I send you my love, friendship forever ^^ :P :D ;) '

I say FUCK YOU! Friendship forever? Fuck we hardly talk online/reality! Fuck we hardly meet anymore/NEVER MEET BEFORE. Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!

_______________________________________________________________

Called a senior about INTEC.

From his description, its sounds more like a non-military education-based national service.

"You get a bed, a locker and a table, and share the apartment-dorm like room with 5 other people."

Fuck. Its a half day walk to the nearest KTM from there. And I hate buses.

________________________________________________________________

Back to nonsense.

Zhi Wei tagged me with some stupid thing. I suppose I am free enough to do it.

5 Things found in your bag
1. Smelly smell
2. Looky look
3. Heary hear
4. Tasty taste
5. feely feel

That answer your question?

5 Things found in your purse/wallet
1. Money
2. My Pictures
3. No Money
4. My cards
5. Nothing

5 Favourite things in your room
1. Big Bed
2. Thick Bed
3. Big Blanket
4. Thick Blanket
5. Lots of hot women in bikinis lying on my bed

5 Types of humans
1. Those who worship me
2. Those who do not worship me
3. Those that eat potatoes
4. Those that do not eat potatoes
5. Those that looks like pandas

5 Things you've always wanted to do
1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Play
4. Shit
5. Fuck around like an asshole

5 Things you're currently into
1. Into water
2. Toilet
3. Penguins
4. Pandas
5. Potatoes

5 People you tag
1. Any kind sound who is stupid enough to do this 1 ( Me excluded )
2. Any kind sound who is stupid enough to do this 2
3. Any kind sound who is stupid enough to do this 3
4. Any kind sound who is stupid enough to do this 4
5. Any kind sound who is stupid enough to do this 5

---

1) Name one person who made you smile last night.
- Myself

2) What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
- I think I was sleeping, dreaming about how rich I was, and dreaming having the entire world worshipping me.

3) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
- Reading this stupid survey in Zhi Wei's blog, and nudging Aimee

4) What was something that happened to you in 2006?
- Everything

5) What is the last thing you said aloud?
- WAH WTF!?

6) How many different things did you drink today?
- Potato Juice

7) What color is your hairbrush?
- FUCK YOU LAR! Want laugh at my hair that is not grown back yet is it? FUCK YOU!

8) What was the last thing you paid for?
- Erm, KKKL bus ticket to KL. Sounds nice.

9) Where were you last night?
- Toilet

10) What color is your front door?
- This is an interesting rhetorical question. It can answer everything in the universe, and explain creation.

Brown....................NOT!

11) Where do you keep your change?
- Under the toilet bowl

12) What is the weather like today?
- Weather is weather. What you want me say? Its sick? Its healthy? Its fucking around and producing bad weathers????? Or its fucking around and its happy and we get good weathers?? I say fuck weather.

13) What is the best ice cream flavor?
- Potato.

14) What is something you are excited about?
- I am excited about.. come to think of it.. I am so apathetic I don't actually care -_-

15) Do you want to cut your hair?
- OI! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH HOR! KEEP LAUGHING AT MY HAIR ONLY MAFUCKERS!

16) Are you over the age of 25?
- 1 + 8 = 9. 2 + 5 = 7. 9 is over 7. Yes I am over 25 you idiot asking stupid question.

17) Do you talk a lot?
- I don't talk. I enlighten.

18) Do you watch The O.C.?
- What the hell is that.

19) Do you know anyone named Steven?
- I know 3 of them. I can see no relevance in this question to anything, unless the person who created this questionnaire is a guy who happens to be a homosexual with a fetish for guys named Steven. Yes I know people named Steven.

20) Do you make up your own words?
- Nejo Maka Owna Wada. Nejo genuisa. RIDIPULITAKA!

21) Are you typically a jealous person?
- I am jealous that there is someone out there who is jealous of me but i don't know who

22) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “A”
- uh.. Aimee?

23) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “K”
- Kanasai. I think.. erm.. Kumaran?

24) Who’s the 1st person on your received calls list?
- Mum. She called me to hang up on me. Nah just joking.

25) What did the last text message you received say?
- Damn private ok. Ok lar, let you know lar.
"Yes can wear jeans but not on Mondays" - Phang Jim

26) Do you chew on your straws?
- Why not. Straws are a delicacy in this world. Not everyone in this world can eat straw, or chew straw. In fact, it is more an acquired taste, something like blood.

27) Do you have curly hair?
- Mother fucker, enough about hair ok?

28) Where is the next place you’re going?
- Toilet

29) Who is the rudest person in your life?
- Myself

30) What is the last thing you ate?
- Some bun. I can see that this information is going to make you a millionaire, whoever 'you' is.

31) Is marriage in your future?
- Problem is I love women too much to love a woman.

32) What is the best movie you’ve seen in the past two weeks?
- Let me think. Don't call me, I'll call you.

33) Is there anyone you like right now?
- Of course yes. Myself.

34) When was the last time you did the dishes?
- The last time I did MY dishes.

35) Are you currently depressed?
- Do I look like I am depressed? I ma gonna shoot somebody just for the heck of it and say 'Hell no I am not depressed.'

36) Did you cry today?
- Nope. Why the hell would I cry for no apparent reason. I am not those people who goes 'Love hurts the most. I am dying. God please help me. I need to love that girl, and ultimately fuck the hell out of her. God, your payment would be when she's screaming 'OH MY GOD OH MY GOD'. Deal?'

37) Why did you answer and post this?
- I have no idea. I was too jobless, and I thought if zhi wei did it, its probably stupid enough for me to do.

38) Tag 5 people who would do this survey
Same.

__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, here's an interesting friendster bulletin my friend Kumaran posted.

Hell - Explained by a Chemistry tuition.

Actual exam in Washington ok? Don't play play.

Question : Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

Most of the students wrote proofs of other beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats whent is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.As for how many souls are enteringHell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Apparently he got an A+.

Fuck, that's what I call a genius.

And I am back?

Alright. I just have to mention this.

People. Control your greed.

Before you get agitated and go 'OMGWTF LESLIE IS IN TROUBLE!!' (wtf is wrong with my keyboard why suddenly cannot press spacey while holding shifty? )

Alright, listen on, or rather literally read on.

Some woman called me on Saturday as I was witnessing zhi wei debate in Times Square.

She said she was from some company ( damn blurred that time, I couldn't understand what she was talking about )

Apparently some company is holding some form of event and invites me to go.

I gave her my name. And hung up.

Two days later, she called again. She said she is at the event venue, and asking whether I am at the said venue or not ( whoever heard of a central park/central garden? )

I said no, then she said I won a lucky draw. I can claim it at a later date.

Beginning to sound fishy. (Fishier than a big fish left out in the sun for three days, which were on top of other fish, which were inside a WHALE - Chris Nosal )

Anyway, she left a contact number. Note : The calls from her were from a private number

Then, next day, she called me again. Said the prize I actually won was RM12,000. Sounds too good to be true? She began elaborating on all the shit about her company, which is based in Macau. Damn convincing. Asked for my IC number. Then asked me to bring my IC along for verification when I claim my prize.

Sounds even fishier. But still sounds more realistic and convincing.

Next day again, she called me. This time she asked for my bank account number. O_o Said the prize money is in a Shang Hai or Hong Kong bank, and need my account number to be transferred.

I hung up immediately. Then I realized I was looking at my account number on my ATM card. I came so close to giving her my account number.

Now that I think back on it, I realize its all false. I will tell you why.

1) She called my number, said my number was a random draw from a computer.
2) She did not know my name, only my chinese name which is written wrongly because I don't know which character it was xD
3) She did not know my IC number, but need my IC for verification purposes?
4) Can't speak english. What the fuck.
5) Doesn't know what a college is.
6) Its all too good to be true man.
7) I was told all these kind of things, based in Macau, are 99.9% fake.

I have not settled her yet. But currently am thinking of the most sadistic way to trouble her.
I was told not to entertain them at all haha. But who cares, I am going to try and trouble them. At the very least swear at her for 10 minutes the next time she calls.

I said don't be greedy because they are very good at convincing people. If you are observant enough, she knows my name because i told her, and she knows my IC number because i told her too. She just pretends to know it beforehand.

DON'T BE GREEDY

________________________________________________________________

I got the official letter from JPA. I am enrolled in INTEC college, University Teknologi Mara ( UiTM ). Going to study Australian Matriculation ( AUSMAT ). 18 months.

As I read through the letter, I got damn stressed xD Every single little thing and they threaten to cancel the contract and I have to pay them back.

And they have the power to cancel the contract without notifying me, and I have to pay them back then.

Sounds shitty? I have to be bonded for 6 years. 7 years if I for some reasons do not complete my course within alloted time ( 4 years overseas )

Must report immediately upon return.

Haha whatever, its all free, thats the important thing.

_________________________________________________________________

Hmm, fixing connection line in Subang Jaya. Should have internet connection within the next two weeks.

Leaving INTI Subang somewhere around 3rd week of June. Have lots of shit to do.

Anybody wanting to meet me, hurry!! ( haha sound like some typical celebrity )

CELEBRITY!??

Damn I want to flame something lar.

Celebrities are overrated. If they are hot, never mind then. If they are not hot, fuck them.

I always thought Mawi was overrated. His face appeared everywhere. Eat instant noodles see him. Go with cousin to Eon to service car see him. Drive around town see him. Take LRT see him.

Its a screwed up thing when people don't know the Agung's name but know Mawi.

No, don't think I am flaming Mawi ( alone ). I am going to flame a lot more, haha. I don't hate Mawi. Its just that seeing him everywhere without seeing the real him is a strange thing. How strange? Very strange. Why strange? Because its strange.

Then there's the matter with shampoo advertisements. Which lawfully stupid person thought of using a Malay girl wearing a tudung ( scarf ) for a shampoo advertisement? WE CAN SEE NO HAIR!!!!

Don't tell us your product makes the hair all smooth and silky and dandruff free and damn seductive because WE CAN SEE NO HAIR!!!

Brightening the scarve does not show the effect because WE CAN SEE NO HAIR!!!

Penguins should rule the world and beat the hell out of these idiots.

Update

Alrightee, Professor Leslie is back for the weekend in BP!

Back to topic.

A simple case of elaborating what happened in Subang Jaya.

Enrolled in Inti Subang. Paid RM900. Found a nice room right behind Inti. Paid RM990 for 3 months deposit.

Studied in Inti for a week. Get JPA. Cannot study elsewhere other than what they offer. Fucked.

JPA recognizes the genius at crap behind Professor Leslie. I am offered Engineering in New Zealand.

They have a wicked sense of humour. I am a lactose intolerant asshole. I get diarrhea if i drink milk. They send me to milkland. Fuck.

That concluded what happened.

Now I shall go into detail.

Took Economics, Physics, Chemistry, Mechanics, Mathematics. With a stupid compulsory subject of Moral.

Interestingly, all the lecturers have their very own personalities.

My Physics/Mechanics teacher was a past engineer. So I daresay he is excellent at the subject. But I leave his class each time with many bullet wounds.

First day in class ( Physics/Mechanics )
Teacher : Alright, let us begin the first class for the first semester by introducing yourself, what you plan to study and where.
Me : My name is Leslie sir. I intend to study Chemical Engineering or Mechanical Engineering.
Teacher : Where?
Me : Erm, I am hoping to go to the UK.
Teacher : So, have you thought of which University?
Me : *quickly think, simply think* Ah yes, I checked out and I think U of Birmingham is a good place to consider.
Teacher : Birmingham!! Hmm, not bad. Nice place.

*a pause in between while he asks others*

*Teacher turns back*

Teacher : Birmingham is a really good place to go. It ranks first or second in England for engineering among the universities. *further elaboration*

Teacher : I graduated from there many years ago.

Me : *ZHA DAO*

Then he began teaching. I was feeling naughty. I wanted to test the extend of his capabilities as a teacher. I asked a classic question High School teachers were never able to answer.

'How do we measure the acceleration for an object moving in a fixed circle?'

His answer : Physics is like a game. Where you have a game, you have to have a rule. I give you an example, you play a game where you pass a ball to the right. But you don't stand up suddenly and say 'I want to pass the ball to the left!'. Your friends will look at you and say 'Go play by yourself then!'

Me : *feels a bullet biting into my flesh, severing several arteries and spilling blood*

Friday morning : I found out I am receiving a scholarship offer by JPA.

Me : Sir, I got a JPA offer, might be leaving soon :(
Teacher : Oh you got JPA! Where? New Zealand!! Nice place nice place...
Me : *anticipating talks about Birmingham*
Teacher : Alright, congrats!

...

Teacher : Okay class, I have prepared an exercise for you to do today. As your assignments will contribute a 10% marks in your semester exam, I think I shall include this exercise in the marks.

*looks at me*

Teacher : Of course you won't need it lar haha..

Me : *feels another M16 bullet hit me dead in the heart, severing more arteries and spilling blood*

Last class for Friday. Physics.

Teacher came into class.

Teacher : Eh! Why are you still here? I thought you went off to JPA already.

Me : *feels an entire magazine of 30 bullets from an M16 piercing my entire body.*

Damn, I like that teacher. He is so cool. Serious.

_____________________________________________________________

Dickson, in his blog mentioned separating boys and girls in NS. He speculated homosexual marriages will be on the rise.

Professor Leslie shall be here to further elaborate.

Dickson, I have to disagree with you. Guys and girls sleep separated. But so far guys have not been gaying around in the bedroom ( although coach told me before there had been cases where three boys actually shared a single bed. )

But I agree that it is stupid to separate them. Its time to be more open minded. Sexual separation, in the long run is going to be a major problem.

Once, in the newspapers, it has been published that the number of couples getting married is on the decline, and the number of divorces is rising.

*of course, some wise guys whom i forgot their identity say men should be encouraged to marry spinsters/widows to reduce single women. Damn that's fucking stupid.

Alright, the issue of separation is not a good one.

The Great Guin and the Polarized Panda can testify for that.

Why?

Camp is going to be fucking dull! What better past time than to Go-ogle at opposite sexes when there is no classes or activities? And I can't imagine the mamak with only guys.

Everywhere we jostle with muscular bodies. Fuck.

But when its a mixed camp, it adds to the fun, but might not necessarily add to the chicks produced. We don't want baby trainees... yet. Furthermore, there are night patrols. If they want to do something funny, boy + girl in secluded spot, they might get spotted by patrols and spot themselves silly.

But anyway, in camp we have very good restrictions. So hankypanky thoughts are out of the scope. I personally do know guys who masturbate during the training stint though -____-""

You see, there is still order maintained even though we do activities together. Guys vs guys, girls vs girls.

Guys root for girls when girls compete, girls root for guys when guys compete.

I can't imagine guys rooting for guys when guys compete.

Imagine :

Lets say... rafting competition.

Ten muscular guys mount the raft. At the lake sides, groups of guys cheered, ecstatic.

"OMG YOU ARE IN MY TEAM GO GO GO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!"

The horror.

In the event of a victory.

"DAMN YOU ARE SO SEXY I JUST GOT TO HUG YOU AND KISS YOU!"

Of course, if that is said by a girl to a guy who just won, it is extremely rewarding. BUT if it is said by a guy to a guy...

just imagine a guy wearing mini skirts, taking pom poms and jumping and frisking around screaming away for his team.

It is often portrayed that cheerleaders are always beautiful girls, and guy athletes are always damn handsome, and always wins. The guy somehow always end up with the prettiest cheerleader.

But if the cheerleader is a guy..

HAHA IMAGINE THE KISS!!!! Where the overexcited supposedly-damn-hot-girl-but-is-a-guy cheerleader grabs the athlete, hugs him and gives him a deep deep kiss.

Of course we don't want to see that scene right?

And true to say, it is much interesting when there are girls around and there are guys around. I don't mean round girls round guys. I mean there's the presence of both guys and girls.

NS should be fun. NS should not be gay.

I still say let the Great Guin and the Polarized Panda rule the world together.

Prof Leslie

Alright, I am heading up to Subang Jaya in a few hours time, so I am going to get myself some sleep.

And fuck, I have a fever, right before my stepping into college life.

Anyhow, Professor Leslie is here to say, expect not much updates from now on as I probably will not have access to the Internet for sometime ( I know, tough, but shit happens )

Anyway, to people who actually bother to keep in touch with me, I'll probably be using my new hotmail account in MSN more often now.

Since those who reads my blog are those who DO keep in touch with me, here's the address :

Prof_Leslie at Hotmail dot com.

And for those who are the hoppers and just would like to add me up for fun, please do not try as I will reject.

Alright, hope the best for me! Do come back and check my blog often!

I am not actually declaring hiatus. Its uncertain what the future holds for my Internet connection haha

Old Penguin Times 30 April/1 May 2007

But before that, I have an announcement.

I have decided this morning that I am going to enrol in Inti College Subang Jaya for Cambridge A Levels.

Upon decision, I found a place to stay, friends to hang out with, transportation to Subang. Basically, everything was done within two hours.

But once I start my A Levels which is on the 7th of May, expect not many posts.. so I am updating as often as I can while I am still so jobless.

___________________________________________________________________

Old Penguin Times 30 April/1 May 2007

Suicide by Love
Article by : Po the Penguin
Photos by : Pi the Penguin

A new way to suicide has been discovered after several penguins were found dead without apparent reason.

The reason : Love

A Professor of Love, Dr. Pau, mentioned that before their untimely deaths, each suicider were diagnosed with severe love sick cases.

"I have determined what caused their deaths. Each deceased has mentioned that their heart skips and they hyperventilate when they see the penguin they love. At times they even say their hearts stop beating when the penguin they love looks at them. Therefore, I can safely assume that they died because their hearts stopped beating. A sad case of love here.." Dr. Pau said.


Therefore birds out there, our brain is small and need frequent replenishment of blood. Don't go stopping your heartbeats because of another attractive penguin.

On an unrelated note, penguins having extra-marital affairs have been said to be increasing each year. Abbott Poo Poo has mentioned that complaints directed to the Great Guin has tripled this first half year compared with last year entire year.

"Last year there were only 2 cases of complaints of extra marital affair. This year up until May only we already have 6 cases! This is unacceptable in our community of 16 million guins." Poo Poo said, obviously pissed off.

"The problem here? Penguins nowadays are not as morally upright nor religious enough to care. They just stare at the romantic adulterating couple."







Punishments in School too harsh?

Article by : Pu the Penguin
Photos by : Pi the Penguin

Are our schools being too harsh in practicing corporal punishment? Recently, five concerned parents have cried outraged at the Penguin's School of Excellence for punishing their chicks to stand out in the cold.

"The five chicks were punished because they did not do their homework, which is catching fishes to prove that they are full fledged hunters." the headmaster of the school, Pok said.

"This is a beastly punishment. Just because they did not catch their share of fish doesn't mean they can't catch fish!" A concerned parent said.

The entire drama unfolded when the five chicks turned up in school without fish in their beaks. Their teacher was enraged and was sent to stand in the cold, about 2 metres from every other penguins, who were also out in the cold at their class. ( note there is no room )




The entire episode has caused severe distress to the chicks, who had been laughed at by their baby chick siblings.

"Schools should not use corporal punishment as they are inpenguin! I suggest a gentler approach like a corporeal ( ??? ) punishment to discipline the chicks!" said an ignorant parent, who obviously failed in its language test.

The Ministry of Education could not be contacted for further comments.



Humans sighted in Penguinland

Article by : Po the Penguin
Pictures by : Pi the Penguin

Its true, reporters have sighted humans in Penguinland. These creatures of apparently low intelligence has been found loping along with useless stuff of steel and plastic.

"They are installing strange things that we think are used to transport potatoes to the Penguinland." a civilian said.

Meanwhile, the Panguana priests, under Abbott Poo Poo has raised concern of pollution by the humans.

"These creatures eat horrible stuff like vegetables and produce a lot of shit!!" Poo Poo said, enraged.

"They must be stopped to prevent further desecration of the Penguinland!" Poo Poo continued.

Talks have begun to mobilize the entire penguin army to intercept and silence the humans so that they will not return to alert their kind.







Disclaimer : This post is entirely for entertainment as usual. No copying without my permission. Photos credited to various expeditions to the South Pole, or the Penguinland.

Old Penguin Times 29/30 April 2007

This is a little idea of mine.

Well, explanations first. I am thinking of creating a new category kind of post, which are, newspaper spin offs with totally fictional articles written by me, but using the alter ego of Pa the penguin as chief editor, Po the penguin as journalist, Pi the penguin as photojournalist, and Pu the penguin also as a journalist.

What category kind of posts? Currently in my blog, there are many categories of posts.

They include Professor Leslie posts, emo posts ( inactive for very long time ), stories post ( dead for very long time ), philosophical posts ( also dead for long time ) and reviews post ( currently half dead ).

And this, shall be the newest kind of posts. Spin-off articles. By Penguins.

I reserve all rights.

Disclaimer : The below article contains fictitious stuff. Some of the information are proven to be untrue, but are still published anyway because of the writer's ignorance. Writer cannot guarantee they might not be true though. But however, it is advised not to attempt any stupid thing yourself after reading it until it is proven true. Then we know I am a genius.
__________________________________________________________________

Old Penguin Times 29/30 April 2007.

Potatoes as Aphrodisiacs?

Article by : Po the penguin

That's right. You did not read wrongly. A team of scientists at South Pole University has recently done experiments on potatoes for its remedial qualities, but instead found themselves getting high and horny after overexposure to the potatoes. Upon realizing it, they immediately did research to find out why, and the result was that a chemical in potatoes, is able to stimulate the penguin mind to have many many chicks.

"Basically, everybody wants to have sex because of our genes and hormones. Biologically, we have a system in our body that encourages us to have babies and to ensure a thriving future generations that are equally horny." said Professor Poo Poo, the leader of the team of scientists.

"We see a female and we get turned on by her because we think she is fertile and healthy enough to born a healthy chick egg for us, and thus ensuring that chicks born are of top quality. You don't see penguins falling head over heels for a matchstick thin penguin." He continued.

Potatoes have been found not to be consumed by any penguins all along. However, a penguin actually trying to eat one might find itself getting horny for eggs and have sudden bouts of diarrhea. "The price of good sex.." Poo Poo joked.

With this scientific breakthrough, penguins with no more sex drive might soon be happier birds, Poo Poo asserted.



Fish the possible cure for cancer?

Article by : Pu the penguin

With rising fear of cancer as the number one killer among prawns ( prawns have cancer??? ), a team of penguin scientists began wondering why fishes and other marine lifeforms that feed on prawns do not develop cancer and die.

It is hypothesized that fishes have a natural oil, dubbed as fish oil, or scientifically known as Gamma oil.

Researchers say that the Gamma oil emits Gamma rays in small and insignificant amount that cannot actually cause any noticeable damage to any lifeforms. Therefore, scientists say that if eaten excessively, this Gamma oil can kill the cancerous cells. And the penguin that eats it.

"We believe moderation is the key to success here.." a scientist who declined to be named commented. It said that as cancerous cells exist as individual mutant cells, with no complex systems like a penguin, killing it is much easier than killing a penguin.



Panguana to label caterpillars as penguin's best friends

Article by : Po the Penguin
Pictures by : Pi the Penguin

Abbott Poo Poo, the most respected Elder and leader of the Penguinic faith, Panguana, announced yesterday during fish festival that caterpillars are penguin's best friends.

According to Abbott Poo Poo, "Caterpillars have long been described as a sacred insect among Penguins. It is said so by the once Great Guin, Guiness, that caterpillars can greatly boost a penguin's luck to get mated as they look sexy. Besides that, caterpillars also played a major role during Guiness' time in the great war for fish against the polar bears, who lost terribly and were cast to the other side of the world to starve by the Great Guin. The caterpillars actually made the polar bears slip and fall down, but alas they were squashed beyond recognition. Those brave caterpillars sacrificed themselves for the Greater Good!"

The only problem around here is, since the world was divided into eighteen major continents, caterpillars are no more found in South Pole, or better known as Penguinland.

New Blog Name?

Alright people, this is not an official post, but it IS an official post.

I am thinking of changing the name 'Annoyance is Bliss'.

But am keeping 'Part of life is to annoy people'. I love that phrase :D

So...

Any ideas?

Jobs

Professor Leslie is back again today!

Today Professor Leslie shall elaborate on current affairs, which are, JOBS! (Since when has jobs not been a current affair anyway, people work everyday!)

Anyway, with media like Jobstreet.com, Classified Ads in the newspapers and such, advertising for prospective employees have made everyone's life much simpler!

But unfortunately, many jobs are missing the highlights! And today, Professor Leslie, with all his efforts and love put in, shall bring attention to these professions as much as they deserve!

Note : As usual, this post is also for entertainment. Anybody finding this post offensive with logical explanation and coherent response, please do tell me. I am an extremely nice person :) However if you feel upset because you think I have insulted you in any way, please do have a look at the mirror and tell me whether you see an asshole or not. If you feel that you will get pissed off no matter what I say, then don't read.

Here goes!

Advertisement 1:
I used to think Beggars Sect. was only found in Chinese Kung Fu Movies where the Beggars can actually fight! But now I am convinced there's a conspiracy among beggars. Some are genuinely in need of help, but there are some opportunists who are good in acting! Talk about Malaysian generosity..

Advertisement 2:
It is not uncommon to come across people in restaurants ( mostly ) and such public places where they talk as though its their toilet there. They talk loudly, rude and swear words. They also talk big. Those are classified under 'Brutes'. You have to admit one thing however, they are bold and street smart =/ These are the kind that can Gan Tua Pao ( Talk Cock ) and outtalk a policeman or a politician. They can make drug trafficking sound right, and when you reason with them, they go ala Christopher. 'Bu Hui De, Bu Ke Neng De, Wo Diao Ta!! ( Won't one, impossible one, I diao him! )

I am not lying. Professor Leslie is always right.

Advertisement 3:

The issue of illegal immigrants who became victims to agents in Malaysia is no longer new. Government catches these immigrants, fine them then send them back. The agents go free untouched, and a lot richer. Their crime? Smuggled into the country illegally. That is how the advertisement should sound like, instead of their high pay promising jobs in neighboring countries!

Advertisement 4 :


Seriously, do I have to elaborate on this? People are usually overrated about these stuff. Prove my point? Wait for Harry Potter 7th book release day. Go check out the book store.

Further prove my point? Just tune in to any concerts by famous singers/bands. Tell me exactly how many people are shouting their heads off and screaming until their voice box bursts.

Advertisement 5:


This one I flame until charred already. No explanations necessary.

And now, my personal favorite.

Advertisement 6:

Find me a penguin like that, and I will point to you a millionaire.

And that's all for today's classified advertisements! If I get more ideas, this section will be further expanded. Or you can click 'comments' and give me some ideas and feedbacks.

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Totally unrelated note.

My hair's growing at a slow but not slow, fast but not fast speed. In short, its growing at an awkward rate.

Currently, its in a seriously embarrassing stage. Its not long enough to fall limp, and not short enough to be natural.

Result : Long hair that stands out erect. I look like a rambutan head.

Desperate Penguins

Once upon a time, in a frozen land far far away, there lived penguins. All the penguins were special, and each had its story to tell. And so, we shall visit the fabled land of the south pole, the land of the penguins. The discovery of a potato in the south pole led to conspiracies among the penguin community, where violence is non-existent ( except when predators are around. Oh wait, penguins ARE predators ). Read on to find out how four young penguins survived the perils and plots of evil penguins to lay their flippers on the sacred potato.

This story is entirely fictional. Any similarities is entire coincidental.

This story is rated P. Any child below the age of 1 or any adult above the age of 1000 is advised against reading it. If you do not fall into the above category, you are advised to read it at your own caution. May include explosives ( explosives are not supplied by al-Qaeda or any terror organizations ).

Starring :KATE BECKINSALE ........................................................................................... NOT!

Arnold Schwarzenegger ....................... NOT!

Penguin named Pa

Penguin named Po

Penguin named Pi

Penguin named Pu

I know.. they all look the same. Penguins look the same anyway.

Anyway, back to the story.

One fateful day, Pa the penguin was out hunting for food with his friends, Po the penguin, Pi the penguin and Pu the penguin. Suddenly, Po the penguin tripped on something and fell flat on his beak.

All the penguins began laughing.

With the way penguins walk, it is almost impossible to fall down ( to the penguins anyway ). Anyway, Po the penguin was equally surprised that he fell down. So he checked where he was walking, and hark! He saw a strange alien object.. and as he got a closer look to identify it, he suddenly jumped back in fear!

It was a potato! A fabled mythical sacred beloved awesome wonderful amazing peculiar extraordinary ( I am running out of adjectives ) thing among the penguin community! In fact, penguins kill ( fish ) to get it!

Soon news spread that Po the penguin had found a potato in South pole. All the penguins were aflutter. There was an ancient prophecy said before by the great Penguin Prophet, Penguinius, when he was drunk with iced water. It read "When the potato appears within the iceberg, the time for explosions have come. Do not attempt to eat it as a penguin will produce many many chicks and much much faeces." Every penguin was jittery. The four penguin friends were excited. They didn't know what explosions were, and neither did other penguins. But they were excited anyway.

Out of fear for explosions, soon some parties of religious penguins began demanding that the four young penguins hand it over to be destroyed. Another group of penguins wanted to steal the coveted prize for themselves, even though they didn't know what it is and what to do with it, nor trade it for money because penguins don't use money. They began sending death threats to the four penguins.

While the majority of penguins suddenly had the idea to excavate the entire south pole for more potatoes...

Our four heroes were surrounded by hostile penguins!

The evil penguins had formed a bandit party called 'Penguins of the Car Bean'. They marched forward and demanded the potato!

While on the other side, the religious penguins, under the leadership of the Abbott Poo Poo of the penguinic faith, Panguana, demanded for the potato too!

The two sides of penguins then began fighting each other. Our heroes escaped amidst the chaos and soon found themselves unable to return to their homes!

Pa soon began asking Po to hand out the potato to secure their own safety. Pi disagreed with Pa, as handing it over might not guarantee them their lives. Their entire life they had not seen violence, but today, they had witnessed a historical event when the Penguins of the Car Bean began throwing snowballs at Abbott Poo Poo.

Pu asked Po where the potato was, and Po replied "Its with my baby brother, disguised as an egg. My brother Poop will take care of it! Don't worry!"

With that, Pa began to fret. The safety of a chick is at stake. They must find a way to rectify the situation!

Unfortunately, with everyone anxious, they began to argue and quarrel and fight and disagree and ( I ran out of words again ) among themselves.

As they were quarreling, suddenly an explosion happened!

It was a totally unexpected twist of event for the penguins. The explosion came from the other coast, far away from Penguinland. But its tremors could be felt by all.

Pa stood up at this point.

"That's our solution to the problem! We find this explosion thing, and ask it to explain to our penguins that it is harmless and worthless!"

Pa's friends agreed and they soon 'walked?' towards the explosion site.

Not long after that, they reached the explosion site. A human approached them. A human! In south pole!

The alien creature known as the human identified himself as 'Osama'.

Pi immediately asked Osama if he had any 'explosions'. Osama smiled and immediately said no.

"I do not have explosions, but I do have explosives!" he said joyfully.


The penguins cheered. Since Penguinius, the Prophet did not mention whether explosions were good or evil, they can now prove that it is not bad! Anyway, explosions and explosives sound so similiar, they must be brother bird of sorts.

"No, you can't have them!" Osama said when our heroes asked for it.

Pa squawked in anger and disbelief. In their entire life, not a single existence had denied them things before.

"However, I am hungry. If you can get food for me, the explosives are yours!" Osama said.

Po suddenly thought of the strange thing called Potato. Since they do not know what it is, there is a possibility that it is alien food.

But alas! The potato is with Poop!

The four penguins scrambled back to Po's home. All the penguins were out excavating, and not in the Penguinland. For once, our heroes felt an emptiness. Never before had such a thing happened amongst their community, and they felt guilty about it. But this only serves to reignite the flames in their hearts to make everything right again!

Po soon found Poop, still asleep, and the Potato!

But alas, as he turned to leave, Abbott Poo Poo was there!!!

Po gasped!!!! His friends were outside waiting for him! He was left alone to confront the Abbott!. The Abbott squawked menacingly. It held a snowball in its flippers, ready to throw it at Po.

"Give me the potato or I shall throw this at you. You have ran astray, young bird!" the Abbott squawked, its voice full of malice.

"Never! You shall not have it!" Po resisted.

"Po, it is imperative that you understand. I am your father..." Poo Poo said ( in Darth Vader voice ).

"IMPOSSIBLE!!" Po screamed in disbelief.

But the Abbott suddenly threw the snowball!

"MY FLIPPER!!! AAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Po screamed.

With his right flipper injured, Po quickly grabbed the potato with its left flipper and 'walked'. The abbott, seeing its price slipping from its grasp, began 'walking' to pursue it. ( Penguins can't run.. -___-" )

Po soon reached his friends. In a four against one confrontation, the Abbott decided it was not worth the snowballs and retreated to fetch his acolytes.

The four friends, with the acolytes hot in pursuit, began hurrying towards Osama again.

Osama was delighted with the potato, and gave them his vast armament of explosives to trade for it.

Pa ran a check through the goods. Two 'Fat Boy' atom bombs, three homing missles, six cartons of grenades, three bazookas, fourteen AK-47s and sixteen torpedoes. All for a potato.

Pi and Pu's minds began racing. Was the deal worth it?

Finally they decided it was worth it to clarify things and clear their names.

They moved everything back to Penguinland and called for a mass gathering.

Within minutes, all the penguins had walked back to Penguinland, and were astonished by the explosives arranged in the middle.

Pa stood up and began in a 'movie-reviewer' voice to speak.

"This summer........"

"As you can see, the explosions you people fear are right here, lying down on the ice! It is harmless! It does not bite! Nor does it jump! It does no harm to any bird!"

Every penguin began to get confused. As the idea began to gradually sink in, the penguin scientists began examining the explosives.

...............................................................................................................................................................

Somewhere on the other side, Osama sat on his little chair, eating mashed potatoes, when suddenly..


A massive explosion occurred on the other side of South Pole.

"Fuh, damn fast. Never realized penguins were such violent creatures!" He said, while shaking his head and continued eating his mashed potatoes.

__________________________________________________________________

Back in Penguinland, every penguin survived the explosion. But they now had a black layer coating, making them look like birds in tuxedoes.

Pa looked at its own body, and said..

"Fuck."

-The End-

No Penguins were harmed in the entire story. No humans were harmed in the entire story.
Again, posts are not meant to be racist, political, satirical ( well maybe sometimes ), apartheid or offensive. Its all for entertainment. If you find this kind of humour offensive, do tell me nicely, with a logical reason and explanation.