Blue

Today was a day like any other day, nothing special happened. But then again, nothing happened.

I scheduled my time for this weekend to be one that is filled with myself accomplishing coursework, as any supposedly sensible university student should (and every week at that).

Instead, I was moping around in my room the whole day, lacking the drive to do any work and indeed, found myself questioning and lacking the drive for life either.

Interestingly, I am not suicidal. I do not have suicide tendencies despite the occasional bouts of morbidity. I suppose that is good, but then again, I am such a cynic I do not attest to there being good or bad. I even doubt my own conscience sometimes (the presence of it).

I paced around in my room the whole time, thinking and searching for something worthwhile to do. I probably have been doing this my whole life, but it struck me particularly today that I have nothing worthwhile to do, and did nothing worthwhile in my 21+ years of life. It is at this time I realized that, 'Man.. I really do have lots of time don't I?'

I would prefer it to say I am not being emo, but rather that in my course of studying past philosophers and philosophizing on my own, I am increasingly certain that we do not know what we are doing.

In science, this is what is happening as I observed. Physicians are constantly unearthing new discoveries, and it is the mathematics that make it so damned hard to understand anything at all. And also, by deriving mathematical relationships logically, we find that we are using expressions without really understanding the physical meanings behind it.

I guess it is time in the race for progress (to where I wonder) that we take the periodic dose of stepping back and evaluating what we have done, why have we done that, and what next should we do. Or else we might face the consequences of losing ourselves in the process of finding ourselves. The irony.

I hope there's a great weather when I wake up. I should take another walk in the park.

Just to show that I am not modern-kids-emo, here's a lovely side shot of me and KS by UMSA's photographer :D