Super Heroes

Professor Leslie has observed that recently there seems to be a mushrooming population of super heroes in our media, comics and such. ( Tomatoman, potatoman and cicakman comes into mind )

Thus, Professor Leslie has grouped together the types of heroes, and the criterias that you might have that made you a hero, and shall discuss it here and now.

Rule #1 :
- You must have strong arms. Everyday heroes seems to get themselves in positions where they will fall off the ledge, whether intentionally, unintentionally, pushed by enemy, pushed by friends, tripped over a rock or just plain blind. Therefore, you need strong arms to grab the ledge, hang around for 10 minutes yelling for help, then be able to pull yourself up without a single scratch. If you have it, you are Rapunzel's prince.

Rule #2 :
- You must be invincible. A hero cannot get killed, else you're no hero. You can get stabbed, shot, blasted with uranium shells, hacked with an axe together with arrows in your guts and then your head lopped off, or placed in a freezer and then smashed with a 1000 tonnes hammer and you're still alive. If you cannot be killed, you are god.

Rule #3 :
You must be a morally blind person, and must be stuck to only one belief. Who ever heard of a superhero going 'oh the bad guy's innocent after all, maybe i should spare him'? Nope, all superheroes go 'peace will only come after i assrape that bastard villian'. No superhero considers 'oh the villian's desperate for food, that's why he robs. I should help him.' If you have this, you are a normal human, most probably an evangelist.

Rule #4 :
You must have suffered some past tragedy. Your pet dog died, your village kena ransacked, you have been tortured by a master of some craft, you have been bitten by an ant, or you simply ate the wrong ice cream after dinner. All these somehow turns you into a hero. If you have this, you are a strange mutant.

Rule #5 :
There almost is always some device or weapon that will help you kill your enemy. All the enemies come out initially fucking strong, and the hero fucking weak he can't kill an ant. But after an irony that the enemies somehow can't kill you ( note : rule #2 ), the enemies get exhausted by the effort or they just suddenly grow weak for no apparent reason that you can kill him/her. If you know these kind enemies, you damn lucky.

Rule #6 :
You must be awfully handsome/beautiful. Enough said. If you are not, you must wear a mask to hide your face, and conveniently use it to hide your identity. If you do this, you must be really ugly.

Rule #7 :
You must be beyond godlike lucky. Picture this. A superhero using a sword is fighting an evil wizard who has powers like omg-he's-god. The evil wizard uses his power to summon monsters, dragons, and at the same time hurl fireballs, lightning strikes and nuclear bombs at the hero. The hero manages to kill the dragons, monsters and at the same time avoids everything the wizard throws at him. The wizard must be a strange one ( powers beyond godlike and he can't hit a single person ), or he can't shoot properly cause he's blind, or he's just a stupid fuck destroying everything but the hero, or the hero's plain lucky cause there happens to be a rock everywhere the wizard shoots. If you are this type of hero, you are plain lucky.

Rule #8 :
You need a costume. Go some halloween shop and get that awful looking gorilla suit and you can be gorillaman. Simple as that, if you are this type, you are probably a clown.

Rule #9 :
Introducing the ultimate hero. A hero with no purpose at all. Picture this. A hero is wandering around aimlessly with no purpose in life. He spots a girl getting groped by a REALLY FAT UGLY GUY ( picture your principal ) and he BEATS THE SHIT FAT OUT OF THE REALLY FAT UGLY GUY! And he gets called a hero. Then he resumes wandering around aimlessly, staring into space. If you are this type of hero, you are a loony.

Rule #10 :
The hero of heroes. You kill stupid teachers and government servants who don't give a fuck and ruin your day somehow everyday. You are a hero of heroes.

So in conclusion, are you a hero? If you are, check what type you are, and I'll mail you a 'You suck! Haha' card to you :P